I love you so much 🙂
I just want to say a little something. Before this year, I had never really struggled with depression or loneliness or hopelessness. I was always the motivated, ambitious girl with a smile on her face and a certainty that her future was bright. I hate to admit it, but when I used to encounter other people with problems like depression or anxiety, I would secretly think to myself, “Can’t they just shake it off?”
Well, never again.
This year has taught me so much about empathy. Over the last few months I have often felt like I just can’t connect deeply with people. They are all around me– on the train, in the coffee shop, at work– but I felt unable to reach out in any meaningful sense. This made me lonely in a new, profound way. And this loneliness led to depression. There were many other factors (ahem, bad winter weather, I’m looking at you!), but it was heavy. Really heavy.
I lost motivation for a long time. I struggled to do even little things like cook a healthy meal or send an important email. And if I could barely do those things, how could I possibly have a bright future?! I deleted my Instagram because I didn’t know how to respond to people’s comments on my photos like “You’re living the dream! I’m so jealous!” when in reality I felt so bad. Then I would feel bad about feeling bad! It was a negative cycle.
Now that’s I’m feeling so so much better for a myriad of reasons, I just wanted to share this little piece of my story in the hopes that maybe it might help someone out there reading. I now have so much more empathy and compassion for
People who just moved to a new place
Those who are going through a breakup of any kind
People who just started a new job
Recent graduates who are disoriented
Singles who just want someone to do fun things with
People struggling with depression, anxiety, chronic stress, etc.
The list goes on! It is so cliche to say that you can’t truly understand something until you’ve gone through it yourself. But in my case, I think the cliche holds true. I am sending love, encouragement and hope to anyone out there going through something heavy today. Thank you all for reading along this year. It means a lot to me.
P.s. Photos from London, where I visited a friend 🙂
When I was younger, I thought being a ‘migrant’, or a ‘foreigner’ or an ‘expat’ were things that made a person different– an outsider. I thought it was easy to separate people into two categories: native and other. My world was small and my thinking black and white. But on this ever globalizing planet, where the pace of change keeps accelerating exponentially, it is becoming harder and harder to maintain such clear categories. Everyone is beginning to feel a bit foreign, because all of us, whether we’ve never left our hometowns or traversed the globe, are migrants through time. Parents feel foreign to their children and vice versa, as the lives they lead look more and more dissimilar. The borders and languages of today are a far cry from those of even just 20 years ago. Minds are educated differently in the classroom with new techniques and types of information. A child of the seventies becomes a mother of the two thousands, and then a grandmother of what is sure to be a new reality all together.
And so this year spent living abroad in a little apartment in a little corner of a ‘foreign country’ has forced me to accept my differentness and to explore the empathy that arises from the shared experience of being different. I’ve learned more about the interconnectedness of our diverse world this year than ever before, and much of that learning has occurred without having to leave my building.
On the bottom floor of my building lives a Syrian family with three children. They came to this country as refugees two years ago and have since taken up the noble and heavy task of remaking their lives. The first night I moved in they were there to greet me and carry my belongings up the stairs. They brought me toilet paper and dinner and a warm cup of tea. We laughed immediately over our shared struggle with the German language and how much paperwork is required just to survive here. Over the months, they have fixed my bike, changed my light bulbs, reset my heater, driven me to the airport, invited me over for cake and so much more. Their daughters come upstairs for a glimpse into the “glamorous” life of an older girl, and I go downstairs for a taste of the stable life of a family. In our differentness, we are one.
The second floor is inhabited by a German couple in their seventies who have lived there for thirty years. Their names are old school German and their English is broken- the tail end of a generation that did not learn it in school and did not need it in their daily lives. They are grandparents and retired insurance brokers. My first interaction with them was one of remorse- I had broken one of their hallway plants moving in a sofa and knocked on their door to apologize in murderous german. They smiled and waved it off, “es macht nichts.” Through the next few months they brought me pots and pans when I mentioned my need, left their door open when I locked my keys inside my apartment, brought my chocolate for Christmas and giving me missing ingredients to finish my half-completed muffins.
Though sometimes awkward, sometimes challenging, my interactions with my neighbors have been a highlight of my year. They teach me about kindness, generosity and community. We are a group that has almost nothing in common, and yet we decided to look out for each other simply because we are neighbors. That’s all.
I wish this for anyone, anywhere, foreign or national, young or old, rich or poor. I have felt alone much of this year, but when I see my neighbors I immediately feel less so. They brighten my day and I know I could go to them if anything were to happen. With all the xenophobia and fear mongering in culture today, it’s easy to forget how simple it is. We all need a helping hand. We all need a smile in the hallway. We all need to realize that foreignness is a shared human experience, and it is beautiful.
When my parents came for a visit, I joked that our building is the United Nations, except with less arguing. They agreed and felt reassured that their daughter was going to be alright at the end of the day. And I am. And when I move out at the end of June, I will be happy to move on to the next phase, but sad to leave the UN.
Who knows where I’ll live next– LA? New York? Frankfurt? But I do know that wherever that may be, I will try to be the first person to greet my neighbors with a smile and say “I’m here if you need anything.” Always.
P.s. Photo from here
- I was crying on the train and the man sitting across from me handed me an entire packet of tissues to keep.
- A little Kurdish boy started at our school this week. He doesn’t speak a word of German, so he and I colored together all class long. He is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, with long eyelashes and dark hair that sticks up in the back.
- I taught a lesson about California, and at the end asked the kids to break up into groups to prepare a typical news broadcast. It was so fun to see them stand in front of everyone and talk about the weather, sports and breaking news in California. One boy even said, “Grab your snowboots everyone, it’s going to be minus fourty degrees in Los Angeles”(!)
- Today is the school festival, where prospective students and their parents come to check out the school. I will do facepaint. Fingerscrossed that I don’t make anyone look too weird.
- I visited a friend and her thirteen year old daughter the other night. We sang songs on the piano and ate sugar cookies. The daughter turned to me before I left and said, “I like you, Micah.” It was sweeter than the cookies.
- I found Cup o’ Noodles at the supermarket. I’m never going back to regular cooking again, nutrients be damned!
- I visited a student Christian group at the nearby university last night. Everyone was so welcoming, and when one girl discovered I’d been to Texas she freaked out, because she lived there for a year. I do what I can.
- In my English conversation club, we wrote Valentines day cards. One boy wrote, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I love Trump as much as I love you…I don’t.” Haha!
- My little brother makes me proud. I read his university essay recently and it is so good!
- I went to Mainz for Fasching (a German holiday like Halloween), and they throw candy from floats. Someone threw candy and it hit me in the nose SO hard that I burst into tears. It’s still bruised. At least I experienced the culture in all it’s glory, for better or worse, and have a story to tell!
P.s. Photo from here
Hello friends! How are you? What’s new? My mood is much improved lately because the sunshine has been visiting us here in Germany, which does wonders for a person. I can’t tell you how much I missed it. If you live in a consistently sunny place, don’t take it for granted haha! Below are a few random iPhone photos from life lately. Enjoy 🙂I went to Hildesheim last weekend to visit my friends from the summer I spent there. Above is a part of the University of Hildesheim campus. Isn’t it pretty?Drinks with my sweet friend Alena! She is such a doll. I miss her!Woke up to fresh snow on Sunday. Such magic.Chillin with my favorite little guy Lasse, the son of friends 🙂My other main squeeze. He was only a week old when I arrived that summer and lived with his family as an Au Pair!Snow AND sunshine at my school.Found this cutie behind my school and petted his nose!Breakfast with my girl Elena. I may have spoon eaten Nutella…Colorful houses in the village where I work.A trip to Ikea in which I bought more than I needed. That place is like a casino- no windows, no natural light so you loose track of time. You could spend a week and all your money in there if you’re not careful!A bought this striped rug and I do not regret it.
Have a good one friends!
1. Yoga is not necessarily relaxing, especially in another language.
2. You don’t have to justify your life or tell people your ‘plan for the future’ if you don’t want to. It’s not required or even necessary
3. Any amount of sunshine is some kind of magic in late January.
4. Patience and all is coming.
5. For the love of God, you need to take out the trash more than once a month!
Notice the men in their dark overcoats and thick scarves, huddled together on the train platform talking on the phone to their wives, mistresses, mothers. Notice the Persian youths who exist in clouds of perfume and hair gel and broken German. And of course you can’t help but notice the Americans– military perhaps, or other wise on long-awaited vacations basking in their romantic visions of Europe at Christmas time. Then there– the unmistakable screech of the street car as it lurches towards you: your life line, connecting everywhere to you and you to everywhere. Board the streetcar and sit between worlds– rich, poor, men, women, black, white, young, old. Public transportation is the great equalizer. Notice how it calms you, lulls you into a sort of fellowship with the other passengers. A fellowship of transience.
Ease in your headphones to drown out your mind. Pretend you’re in a music video. Notice a couple kissing on the doorstep of an apartment in a neighborhood you only ever see in passing through tainted windows. Observe the refugees– unmistakable by the weariness in their brows as they slink down the sidewalk with bags full of groceries with foreign names no German could ever pronounce.
Listen as the man being interviewed on the podcast tells how he became a famous comedy writer. “No,” he says, “I was not the class clown. I was the quiet kid in the back of the class who observed everything the class clown did, wrote it down, and became a famous comedy writer.” Nod. So it is with you. And so it should be with a great deal more people, perhaps. Less lions and more chameleons, noticing the world in all its broken beauty. Less centers of attention and more payers of it. To notice is to cut a thin slice of joy from the meat of life and savor it as long as you can.
So go on…notice. I dare you.
Hi friends! Sorry for the radio silence. It’s been a full few weeks. I’m on break right now, soaking up the extra sleep and eating my weight in Holiday sweets. Below is a photo review of the many things 2017 brought my way. Enjoy!In January, I started the year off by participating in the LA Women’s March with two other friends. We joined over 500,000 people that day. It felt good to do something.February was spent with this little munchkin as my Valentine. She is beyond words adorable and I miss her so much!March brought a Spring Break trip to Texas with Jessica to visit my parents. It was so fun to explore a new place with my girl by my side!April was a big one. I found out I got the Fulbright to Germany (hello employment) and graduated college!May was a chill month of work in Malibu. My parents and I went to Disneyland one day to celebrate my graduation– happiest place on Earth, after all.June was no small undertaking, what with my brother’s beautiful wedding and moving myself across the country to Texas. Oh, and my 22 birthday!July saw a girls trip to San Francisco and a few days spent in El Segundo with old friends.August was family time. I hung out with the cousins in Iowa on the farm 🙂 They are so funny!In September I found myself back in Germany! My Fulbright started and I hit the ground running at full speed.In October I took a much needed vacation to Salzburg, Austria with two friends, as well as London to visit a Uni class mate. The scenery was breath taking and the company was even better!I saw my lovely parents in November and boy was it great! I had fun showing them around my stomping grounds.December brought Christmas and my stunning friends Mele and Annie. I feel grateful to have friends who will come all this way to see me!
Here’s to a crazy, whirlwind year! I learned to much, sometimes the hard way, but I’m looking forward to 2018. I will turn 23, probably start a new job or school and possibly move. I can’t wait to see what God has in store. Happy New Years, friends!
“I wonder how many people would have fallen in love if they had only spoken to each other. Strangers sitting next to each other on an airplane at night, watching the world grow smaller beneath them. Or in a tiny bookstore filled with old stories, their pages yellowed and dusty with age. Or sitting next to each other at a concert, both wanting to linger in the same note of a song that they think contains a universe. How many strangers have shared lovely, beautiful moments together? How many people would have found the love of their life if they had decided to say something?”
P.s. Photo I took in Heidelberg last night 🙂